Alanna and Jon: Partners in Crime
by Sonette
Summary: Alanna and Jon knew that they should never have married George and Thayet... so they decide to rectify the situation. Also starring Buri, Raoul, Numair, Daine, Faithful, Kaddar, Onua, Gary, Cythera, Duke Gareth, Varice and more.
1. Default Chapter

Note to receptive readers: This is not for the weak of heart. I apoligise sincerely for any content which offends any readers. This was complied a long time ago and is in no way serious. Thank you. Sonette ~~{@  
  
Chapter 1- In the beginning...  
  
Thayet had just been to town to have her hair styled. She thought she looked beautiful.  
  
"Why did you waste good money on that atrocious hair style?! You could have asked the PALACE hairdressers!" screamed her husband Jonathan.  
  
"I like it like this!" cried Thayet, "Don't you think I look nice too?"  
  
"The PALACE hairdressers are better!" insisted Jon stubbornly. "Why Mithros did I marry you?! Alanna uses the PALACE hairdressers!"  
  
"Alanna this, Alanna that!" bawled Thayet.  
  
"She is my friend!" scowled Jon.  
  
"Well, I am sure your dear FRIEND thinks otherwise!"  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Jon, (he was very slow on the uptake).  
  
"What I mean is what I said!" snapped Thayet.  
  
"I'm going to find my FRIEND Alanna. Maybe she will know what you are talking about!" wept Jon.  
  
"I am sure she will!" yelled Thayet after him.  
  
***  
  
"Hello Alanna!" smiled Jon.  
  
"What do you want?" hissed Alanna, who was grooming Darkmoon, her horse, who attempted to eat Jonathan.  
  
"Thayet was acting like a hag!" complained Jon.  
  
"Good!" approved Alanna, "The plan is working!"  
  
"Pardon?" asked Jon.  
  
"Nothing!" snapped Alanna quickly, "George isn't here. He's on business."  
  
"Ha ha!" cackled Jon.  
  
"Pardon?" asked Alanna suspiciously.  
  
"Nothing!" answered Jonathan.  
  
"Hmmm. Where's the hag?" demanded Alanna.  
  
"She's just left on holiday, and I have to look after the kiddies, and I don't know when she'll be back! Would you like to be mummy?" asked Jon.  
  
"No!" snapped Alanna.  
  
"Please?" begged Jon.  
  
"Never!" replied Alanna.  
  
"PLEASE?" pleaded Jon.  
  
"Oh, all right then." Conceded Alanna, then, in an undertone, "My plan is working!"  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
"MY plan is working too!" glinted Jon.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
***  
  
Buri walked across the yard. Raoul followed her at what he thought was a discreet distance. Buri was getting rather irritated. She swore at him in K'mir, but Raoul understood.  
  
"Now, now, my pet, don't get angry."  
  
"Drat!" she said in Common.  
  
"Now, now my little flower, I know how you feel about me!" Raoul simpered.  
  
"Yeah?" asked Buri.  
  
"Yes!" he nodded.  
  
"Then you will understand that all I want you to do, IS GET BACK TO YOUR OLD SELF! Failing that, GET LOST!"  
  
"Now, now puppet, don't hide your real feelings!"  
  
"I'M NOT!" yelled Buri.  
  
"Everyone knows that you care greatly for me, my goose!"  
  
"THEN WHY DO I KEEP IT A SECRET FROM MYSELF!?!?!" Buri screamed.  
  
"My strawberry, I do not know. Perhaps you should seek counselling."  
  
"I'm going!" decided Buri, and flounced off. Raoul smirked, and followed.  
  
***  
  
There was a rap on the door. Daine, who was very weary, answered it, but her face lit up when she saw that it was Kaddar, who had come all the way from Carthak  
  
"I was worried about Numair." lied Kaddar, stepping in.  
  
"So am I!" cried Daine, "My poor hubby has had unicorn fever for the last three years!"  
  
"It's terrible," agreed Kaddar, "but it's YOU that I'm really worried about.."  
  
"Me? But I'm as fit as a.."  
  
Then she fainted.  
  
"Oh dear, I shall have to give her the kiss of life!" smirked Kaddar, and continued to do so. Daine awoke, and kissed him back.  
  
***  
  
"Oooh, Cytheria!" squealed Gary.  
  
"Oh, Gary!" tittered Cytheria. "You look particularly big today darling, and you seem to have tugged that moustache to hide a smile today at least a thousand times!"  
  
"Oh, ta, Cytheria! You look very beautiful today."  
  
"I know!" giggled Cytheria, "And how is your father?"  
  
"Near dead." Reported Gary happily, "Though Varice seems to be keeping him company.. Why didn't Numair marry her instead of that Verilidaine girl? He's mad!"  
  
"Well, he is actually." Agreed Cytheria.  
  
"True. But why didn't he marry VARICE?"  
  
"Love. Oh, what a good joker I am! Love indeed!"  
  
"What shall we do now?"  
  
"GO SWIMMING!" screamed Cytheria.  
  
"What a good idea!" exclaimed Gary, and they walked off together to go 'swimming'. However, Alanna was watching..  
  
***  
  
"Don't die, Duke Gareth, please! At least not until you've changed your will and left everything to me!" screamed Varice.  
  
"No chance!" declared Duke Gareth, and went off to find the palace healers.  
  
***  
  
"In order for my plan to work, George and Thayet must be removed. Murder is too tricky, and the grieving widow part is too hard. If only I could make them romantically uninvolved.That is it! A romantic moonlit night, their paths shall cross. Thayet in an accident, swimming - she had never been a strong swimmer. George would rescue her. They would.get caught up in the moment. Romance would prevail." Alanna nodded-it was perfect.  
  
Little did she know that Jon was planning the exact same thing.  
  
***  
  
It was dark and stormy. George was taking a moonlit walk. In pleasant words, George was a crook. He was wondering if he could get away with stealing Jon's horse..  
  
Not far away, Thayet was riding in a carriage. She had tried making conversation with the driver, but he wasn't too talkative. As they neared a lake, the carriage stopped, the cab driver turned and punched Thayet! Thayet fell out of the carriage, and the driver, purple eyes glinting, jumped out and picked up Thayet.  
  
"Time to 'drown' queenie!" Alanna hissed, and chucked Thayet in the lake!  
  
Jon, who had just arrived, was amazed to see someone else carrying out his plan! He sighted George, and yelled, "There's a hag- I mean woman, drowning in the lake! Save her, quick!"  
  
"Eh?" asked George.  
  
Jonathan, impatient, shoved George in the lake too.  
  
"'Ere!" began George feebly.  
  
Jon climbed a tree to watch..  
  
Alanna was amazed as well, to see someone carrying out her plan. She concealed herself in a bush to observe.  
  
George sighted Thayet, and with strong strokes, swam over to her.  
  
"Help!" screamed Thayet.  
  
"'Ere, now, don't you worry, missus, I got you-Goddess! It's you, Thayet!"  
  
exclaimed George.  
  
"GEORGE!" cried Thayet, "Rescue me! It was the wicked cab driver!"  
  
"Was the cab driver Roger?" asked George.  
  
"No." answered Thayet, as they waded to the side, "It was not Roger, he is dead!"  
  
"Oh, yeah." remembered George, "Now, you're fair soaked to the skin. Let's go to the Dancing Dove and get warm."  
  
"Oh, yes! George- I'm cold."  
  
"You can borrow me wet coat."  
  
"Thank you! Jonathan would never let me borrow his wet coat!" sniffed Thayet.  
  
Up the tree, Jonathan scowled, then smirked. Alanna grinned foolishly, then, as she observed George and Thayet kissing, rubbed her hands together in glee.  
  
"THE PLAN IS WORKING!" screamed Jon and Alanna at the same time, then, "Pardon?", then, "NOTHING!"  
  
As George and Thayet walked off in the direction of the Dancing Dove, Jon and Alanna snuck off in the direction of the palace, bumping in to each other.  
  
"Oh! Fancy meeting you here!" Jonathan said in suprise.  
  
"Same to you!" replied Alanna.  
  
"Let's go back to the palace." Simpered Jon.  
  
"My plan is working!" they both hissed, then, "Pardon?", then, "Nothing!"  
  
***  
  
"Blah, blah," gabbled Numair, who, wandering about in his night-gown, was going for one of his frequent midnight walks. However, Numair, being Numair, didn't say anything else.  
  
***  
  
While Numair was out on his midnight nature ramble, Daine and Kaddar were making use of the time. "Mmmm Daine." Muttered Kaddar.  
  
"Tell me, why did this not happen a long time ago?" Daine queried.  
  
"I have no idea." Kaddar answered in between kisses.  
  
"Well, as long as we make up for lost time, it does not really matter." Daine explained.  
  
***  
  
Numair bumped in to Onua.  
  
"Blah!" gabbled Numair, who was riding Cloud, whom he had kidnapped from the stable.  
  
I do not like this, the pony reminded him.  
  
"Why, Numair!" cried Onua, "I didn't know you liked horses!"  
  
"Pony!" blabbered Numair.  
  
Cloud kicked him off and ran off to find Darkmoon.  
  
"Horsy love!" simpered Onua.  
  
"Pony!" wailed Numair.  
  
"I love the design on your nightie!" exclaimed Onua.  
  
"Gown!" bawled Numair.  
  
"Pink roses, how beautiful."  
  
"CARNATIONS!" shouted Numair, flapping his arms about in the air.  
  
"Is that nightie one of Daine's?" inquired Onua.  
  
"DAINE?" repeated Numair foolishly.  
  
"Your wife." reminded Onua gently.  
  
Suddenly Numair ran off in the direction of the Dancing Dove. Onua, hiding a smirk, followed..  
  
***  
  
Jonathan and Alanna were drunk.  
  
"Let's re-incarnate Roger's followers!" declared Jon.  
  
"Good idea!" giggled Alanna, "And let's throw in Faithful and Thom for good measure!" she added.  
  
"Hubble-bubble-blah!" exclaimed Jon, and suddenly Faithful, Thom, Alex, Josiane, and Ralon all appeared from thin air.  
  
"Hello!" bawled Jon, "Nice to see you all!"  
  
Alanna, who was slightly less drunk than Jon was, greeted her twin brother and cat cordially, then lapsed in to hysterics which Jon joined in.  
  
"Sister," said Thom, "so who did you marry in the end?"  
  
"JON!" screamed Alanna.  
  
"You lie!" shrieked Thom, then went off to find Delia.  
  
"FAITHFUL!" screamed Alanna.  
  
Never mind that, Faithful said tartly, this romance trouble you've gotten yourself in to just will not do! To start with, you are drunk! I'll soon see to that!  
  
Faithful cast a spell, and Jon and Alanna became sober again.  
  
"Come!" hissed Alex to Josiane and Ralon, "We must free Delia while their backs are turned!"  
  
Right, announced Faithful, I'm staying 'cos I've become the god of gifted house cats and soberness in cat lovers. I'm going to sort this mess out once and for all!  
  
***  
  
Thom found Delia in a cell.  
  
"Hello, Delia!" he smirked,  
  
"Shut up, Alanna!" hissed Delia.  
  
"I'm not Alanna!" responded Thom in a hurt voice. He unlocked the cell, and kissed her. "Would Alanna do this?"  
  
"Thom!" shrieked Delia, "Take me to Roger!"  
  
"All right." Agreed Thom, and they were magiced away to the realms of the dead.  
  
***  
  
Now look what you've done! frowned Faithful, and sent the remainder of Roger's followers back to the realms of the dead.  
  
"You spoilsport!" screamed Jon, "That was fun!"  
  
"Never mind all that!" interrupted Alanna. "What about the romance side of things?!"  
  
Oh that. Purred Faithful. That is easy. Who do you love?  
  
"Him!" Alanna announced, pointing at the king.  
  
Whom do you love?  
  
Jon could understand Faithful. He pointed at the first woman he had ever loved, Alanna.  
  
What is stopping you?  
  
"Our spouses." They replied together.  
  
Where are they?  
  
"In a suspicious pub." Replied the king.  
  
"Yes." agreed Alanna grasping more of what the cat meant, "Together."  
  
What are they doing?  
  
"Kissing!" answered Alanna.  
  
"Each other!" Jon added indignantly.  
  
Are you sure there is anything stopping you?  
  
"No!" answered Alanna.  
  
"Nothing!" put in Jon. They started walking towards each other.  
  
Stop! Ordered Faithful. There is so little time! We must stop Thom returning with Roger and Delia.  
  
***  
  
"Don't run away, my sweet cabbage cabbage." Begged Raoul.  
  
"URGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Buri. "Leave me alone!"  
  
"Come my dear snake in the grass; you know you wish for something between us."  
  
"Yeah, a lot of distance!" screamed Buri.  
  
"How clever and witty my powdered dandelion!" Raoul simpered.  
  
"PUSH OFF!" Buri shouted.  
  
"Why say that my dancing pumpkin, when there is so much between us?"  
  
"RAOUL!" wailed Buri, shaking him for punctuation. "I thought you were my friend, but I think you must have contracted Unicorn Fever! Have you gone mad?! You do not love me, I do not love you, we are merely friends." Buri said.  
  
"Are you dillusional my lovely lamb chops?" Raoul inquired.  
  
"WAARRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Buri wailed and ran off. Raoul smirked, and followed. 


	2. And so it goes on....

"How are we going to stop Thom returning with Roger and Delia?" asked Jon. (Faithful's spell to stop them being drunk had not worked very well. By this point Jon was feeling rather woozy and light headed. But then feeling light headed was not an uncommon feeling for Jon for reasons that we have already gone in to).

We are going to find out where he has gone and send him back to the realms of the dead, Faithful replied.

"I don't remember Faithful being this bossy." Jon muttered mutinously, kicking the floor in a childish way. He stubbed his toe and squealed.

"Oooh! My poor little tootsie!" he wailed. "Alanna! As king Jonathan the 2nd- or is it the 3rd?- I demand you to use you healing gift to heal my poor little tootsie!"

Alanna raised her eyebrows to heaven and healed Jon's 'tootsie'.

"As I said," Jon continued in a voice of bravado (an admittedly bad attempt to make up for his momentary lapse of dignity), "I don't remember Faithful being this bossy."

I don't remember you being this stupid, the cat replied.

"That's not fair!" wailed Jon. "I'm the king!"

I'm a god, reminded the cat.

"I HATE YOU!" bawled Jon.

"Stop it, boys!" said Alanna sharply.

"He started it." said Jon sulkily.

Faithful purred in a satisfied sort of way, mentally tooting up this exchange in his mind as a point scored of the king.

Now, let's follow Thom!

Raoul had finally got the message that Buri didn't like him. He had literally got the message in fact. He had followed her up to her room, saying "Come, come, my sugared little hopscotch, you're just fearfully confused." when Buri had slammed her door in his face yelling, "OUR RELATIONSHIP IS SHUT LIKE THIS DOOR!"

Raoul had called "Sweetcorn! That wasn't very ladylike!" but her reply was merely some K'miri swearing. After he had tutted reprovingly and said, "Gooseberry, it is not nice to treat your destined love in this manner" and there was no reply, he left. Raoul was now prepared to embark on some more drastic measures. And he knew just the woman who could help him…

"Hello, my dearest adopted aunt!" he smiled as he entered the back of the Dancing Dove with no regard for the pickpockets lurking around, who skilfully swiped the contents of his pockets. (The pickpockets were not impressed when later they looked at their spoils and discovered several very bad line drawings of Buri that would have disgraced even the most dismally untalented six year old).

Eleni shot him a suspicious look.

"What, child?" she hissed.

Raoul smiled in what he hoped was an engaging way. It actually had the net affect of making him look like he was growling in a doglike manner.

"I wasn't a potion!" he smiled.

Eleni frowned. "What kind of potion, little boy? Something to cure toothache?"

"Weeeelll…" said Raoul, considering, "I did get toothache once after I ate a box of Copper Isle slinky dinky added sugar strawberry chews. Though that was only because the box was meant for twenty people not one, I didn't know that at the time…. But, no, glorious older woman who enchants me, I want a different potion…"

"Cough mixture?" Eleni guessed.

"Auntie Elly! However did you know that sometimes I get a teeny little sore throat after I've been singing in the Squires choir!" cried Raoul in delight. "But, no, I want a different potion…"

"Sleeping pills?" inquired Elenei.

"As a matter of fact, I do often find it hard to drop off, especially when after I've been boating. I often think…"

"Eye drops?"

"Sometimes I do feel strained around the eyes, magnificent auntie El, often during meditation, but-"

Eleni gave up, took a sledge hammer out from where it was cunningly hidden in the fruit bowl disguised as an oversized bannana and whacked Raoul over the head.

"Bah. Love potion. That's what his kind always want." She muttered.

Duke Gareth wandered in to Duke Baird's healing room.

"Hello Bardy!" he said jovially.

"What is it?" the Duke hissed.

"Can you give me some medicine?" Gareth beamed.

"Cccccertainly!" smiled Duke Baird and gave Duke Garth a bottle with a large skull and cross bones on the side.

"What does this do? I seem to remember having seen this somewhere before." exclaimed Duke Gareth happily.

"It willll cure your couggggh." Was the reply.

"Excellent!" cried Duke Gareth and took a hefty swig from the bottle. Then he abruptly fell over, murmuring, "Jolly strong taste!"

"BWAHAHAAHHAAAHHHHAA!" Duke Baird laughed for ten minutes flat. Then he disposed of Duke Gareth and whipped out a black cloak from behind a portrait of Weiryn and Sarra. He placed it on, struck a dashing pose in the mirror and hissed, "I am… the excellent…. The irresistible… the dashingly handsome…. DUKE BAIRD SERIAL KILLER! BWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWHHHAHA!"

Alanna, Jon and Faithful arrived at Delia's prison. It was empty.

"We were too slow!" cursed Alanna and swore colourfully.

This was your fault, Faithful said to Jon.

"IT WASN'T, YOU MUTT!" bawled Jon.

'Mutt' is a term for a dog, Faithful corrected him.

"I DON'T CARE!" shouted Jon.

Well, you should do. The cat said tartly.

"Stop it boys!" Alanna ordered, feeling irritated.

Jon made up his mind to hire an assassin to kill the cat as soon as was decently unobvious.

Raoul woke up.

"Happy Easter, wonderful auntie!" he gabbled, catching sight of Eleni.

"I believe you mean 'Good Evening'." She corrected. "Now, here is your love potion."

"It's blue!" complained Raoul. "Shouldn't a love potion be pink?!"

Eleni pushed him out of the door.

On the way out of the Dancing Dove, Raoul looked in to the bar room. Inside he saw a woman dressed up as a chicken jumping over tables and a man wearing a luridly coloured pair of trousers singing whilst plucking the strings of a banjo shaped like a tree.

"Hello Thayet, hello George." He smiled. (Raoul, unlike a normal person, did not seem to find his friends' strange attire at all strange.)

"'Ere laddy!" grinned George, and promptly fell over, still plucking the banjo. Thayet continued jumping over tables.

"I think they might be drunk." Said Raoul intelligently, and went on his way. Just as he was moving out, a wild figure burst in.

"CARNATIONS!" It screamed. "THEY'RE CARNATIONS!"

"Excuse me?" asked Raoul. This wild haired man in the nightshirt looked exceedingly peculiar but his mummy had always told him to be polite to everyone.

"SHE SAID THEY WERE ROSES!" gasped Numair.

"They're carnations if you say so." Smiled Raoul. "Good day!"

Jon slunk away in what he thought was a discreet manner whilst Alanna had stopped to tie up her shoelace. Alanna was perfectly aware that he was gone but couldn't be bothered to call after him.

"I want that irksome moggie dead!" he muttered darkly, "Things can never be good between me and Alanna if the cat exists still. Why, if we ever marry he'll want our children to be named after him!"

Jon had a sudden alarming vision of lines of children with copper hair, sapphire blue hair, black tails, all going by the name of Faithful. He imagined the cat stealing them from their cradles in supernatural storms and teaching them its annoying habits.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed.

"You alright, sir?" asked a guard who stood nearby.

Jon realised he'd been dancing in frustration and wailing his head off.

"Shut up." He told the guard in a dignified voice ad walked away in a stately fashion.

"Now, I need an assassin who will kill the cat!" he murmured.

"Yousssss needsssss assssasssssin?" hissed a sudden voice from behind him.

"Oh, hello Duke Baird!" exclaimed Jon. "I do like your black cloak!"

"Itsssss very fassssshionable right now." Was the reply.

Jon took a mental note of this. He liked to keep up with fashion. If black cloaks were in the so be it. Last weak it had been frog skin socks….

"I want Faithful dead. He's ruining my relationship with Alanna!" he told the healer.

"You don't need an asssssssasssssssssin…. If you wantssssss the kitty cat dead… then you should try DIY." Explained Duke Baird.

"Isn't that something to do with furniture?" inquired Jon.

"I mean DIY murder, little king, not furrrrrrrnituressssssss…."

"Oooh, I don't know about that, Bardy." Said Jon, "I'd rather have an assassin. If I kill the cat myself, I might get caught."

"Maysssss I jusssst point out that there issss no law against killing catsssss." Duke Baird hissed.

Jon's face wore a simple smile.

"I forgot! Now, how should I go about disposing of the mutt?"

"Mutt is word for dogssss."

"Well, moggie then." Said Jon, feeling irritated. Maybe he should have paid more attention to his English lessons.

"I havess idea…" Duke Baird said, and related it to Jon….

Raoul smiled engagingly at the castle cook, an enormously fat woman with a face like a gorilla and arms of an alarming length.

"My dear food enhancer, I have a request." He stated.

"What?" she growled.

Raoul decided some flattery would be a good start.

"I have always liked you, my dove. Each tantalising morsel cooked by your splendid if a trifle large hand leaves me gasping for more. Each time I see you celestially fat frame gliding down corridors I am enchanted---- AAAAAHHH!"

"You be quiet, you impudent laddy!" roared the cook, weilding a deadly blow with a saucepan.

"Dear duck! I meant not to insult you!" cried Raoul. "Despite you unfortunate shape, I still devoutly adore your…er… vigorous and attractive personality!"

"You clear out me' kitchen you cheeky lil' puppy!" bellowed the cook, throwing a pan at him with startling accuracy. 

"I only wanted you to insert this lovely little love potion in to Buri's soup, lamp of solitude!" he cried as he fled.

"Belt up!" was the shouted reply.

"She is a lumbustrious crocodile." Decided Raoul with certainty. "I shall find a better way of giving the potion to my beloved."

"Drat Jon!" said Alanna. "We were going to find Thom and Delia and then he clears off!"

It's better this way, Faithful told her.

Ahead of them Jon hid concealed in an ornate suit of armour which stood to the left of the hall they were walking down. Duke Baird hid a little way off, his evil eyes gleaming. Jon had cunningly placed a tripwire across the hall. The plan was that Faithful would trip over it and fall down a trapdoor just in front of it that was rigged to open just before he tripped. This, Jon felt, was a plan that could not fail.

Faithful and Alanna walked along, nearer and nearer to the trip wire…. Jon smirked in glee, murmuring softly, "My plan is working!"

Nearby, Duke Baird cacked and gloated, "My plan is working too!"

"Pardon?" Jon asked him, feeling dimly aware that he had heard this one before.

"Pardonssss?" Baird hissed, annoyed that his line had been purloined.

"Nothing!" they both said quickly- and rather too loudly. 

"Jon!" Alanna exclaimed, having heard this exchange.

"Blassssssstttttt!" growled Duke Baird.

"Fiddlesticks!" wailed Jon. "I shouldn't have spoken!"

Why are you hiding in that armour? Demanded Faithful.

"Fun." Replied Jon lamely.

You have a queer idea of fun then. The cat giggled.

"Come on, Jon, I'll help you get out of that armour then we can save Tortall." Said Alanna and strode confidently towards Jon- and the tripwire.

"NO! ALANNA, DON'T DO IT!" screamed Jon in horror.

"What, save Tortall?" she demanded.

"NO! NOT THAT!" cried Jon in desperation.

"Don't worry, it's just the alcohol." Alanna soothed, and moved forwards. Her foot connected with the tripwire and she fell with a shriek. The trapdoor shot open and Alanna plunged in. It shut with a bang.

"Darn it!" groaned Jon. "My plan didn't work!"

"MY plan didn't worksssss eeeeither!" complained Duke Baird.

"Pardon?"

Nothing!"

My plan, however, is working perfectly. Said Faithful smugly.

Raoul had decided that directness was the best route to success.

"Apple tree that blows in the wind, please drink this potion." He said.

Buri looked at the bottle suspiciously.

"Why?"

"I brought it specially for you, aubergine." he replied.

"URRGGHH! In that case, I'm off!" said Buri and left.

"My kiwi is remarkably smart!" observed Raoul. "But it matters not. Tonight it is the anniversary of the king and queen's coronation. Tonight, I shall slip it in to her food…."

Here ends part 2 of Partners in Crime.

Will Raoul succeed in giving the love potion to his cabbage cabbage? 

Will Jon suceed in killing 'the mutt'?

Will Alanna get out of the hole?

Will Duke Baird: Serial Killer's as yet unknown (but undoubtedly profoundly evil plan) succeed?

All will be revealed in Part Three.

Stay tuned, and hope you enjoyed Instalment no 2!


	3. 3 Much, much worse!

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update, people..... all you need to know is my computer died then was resurrected. Enjoy! Looking forward to hearing what you think about the manic stuff below! *_* Sonette

Chapter 3: Much, much worse....!

"Jon, you idiot!" yelled Alanna, landing with a thump at the bottom of the hole that the trapdoor had opened out in to. She got up and dusted herself off. She looked around; she appeared to be in some kind of a hole. 

"Got to get out." She grimaced, walking. "It's the king and queen's anniversary dinner tonight.... Hahahaha! It won't be much of an anniversary though, not if I have my way!"

Alanna smirked and walked away. Two cockroaches which had crawled on to her boot exchanged glances.

"Is she mad?" asked one in cockroach talk.

"Quite possibly. All humans are." Returned the other.

"Well, seeing as we are stuck to her boot, we'll find out! Laughed the first as they were carried away.

"ALANNA!!!!!" wailed Jon, shoving his head down the trapdoor. "WHERE ARE YOU????"

"Nevvvvver mind!" snapped Duke Baird. "There isssssss more presssssing matters on your mind!"

"I say Bardy, you do sound awfully like a snake!" observed Jon.

"I doesssssss not." Said Duke Baird with dignity.

"Whatever you say. But Alanna's gone, fallen down the hole!" wept Jon. "The DIY murder failed! I knew I should have hired an assassin!"

"Alanna will gggggget oooout." Snapped Duke Baird. "Now, myyy kingggggg, whatssssss isssss you going to dooo about the ennnnntertainment for ttttttthe dinner tonight, little one?"

"I'm not that little." Said Jon indignantly. "I've got a better figure than you!" He looked worriedly down at himself and poked his stomach, wondering whether he should have eaten all those Yamani sugar cubes that were meant for Roald and Kalasin last week.....

"You can do the entertainment, Bardy." He said. "I'm more worried about getting Alanna back!"

Duke Baird slunk away.

"Exxxxxcellent............" he hissed.

"My doting lamb!" simpered Raoul, gazingy lovingly at one of his bad sketches of Buri. This particular one had an oversized head, abnormally shaped legs and a neck like a pillar. "It will be wondrous tonight, when I slip the glorious potion of love in to your food! I know you love me really, parsnip, you only need a teeny bit of artificial encouragement!"

He looked suspiciously at the love potion. It was blue. This bothered him.

"I hope Aunty Eleni didn't give me a different potion out of- out of- a petty act of spite!" he burst out. He sudenly imagined the potion in truth being a hate potion which would make his divine cauliflower despise him for eternity.....

"Nooo!" he wailed in panic. "Surely Aunty El would not trick me so?"

"Raoul," came Buri's matter of fact voice from the other side of his door. "Why are you talking to yourself?"

Raoul flew to the door with superhuman speed and flung it open, jumping out to embrace Burin. Unfortunately she had moved to the side and he fell on a guard instead. Buri walked away shaking her head.

Raoul looked at the guard in disgust. "You are not my sweetmeat." He said disgustedly.

"You what?" the guard blinked.

Raoul was already flying after Buri. It was odd how he could suddenly move so fast when his celestial parsnip was concerned.

"My macaroni!" he called. "Will you be attending the dinner tonight?"

"Yes." Buri said guardedly.

Raoul made up his mind to impress Buri by dressing smartly.

"Tell me, oh starry eyed marrow, what is your favourite colour?" he inquired in a saintly voice.

Buri was tired of Raoul.

"Pink." She said sarcastically.

"Pink!" cried Raoul in delight. "How delicious! Fear not my potato, i shall appear in pink tonight!" 

He ran off to find a pink suit. Buri shook her head.

"Poor soul." She murmured.

"You can say that again.... sweetmeat." Teased the guard. Buri glared at him then ran away screaming.

"RAOUL'S NAMES! THEY'RE CATCHING!" she screamed. "HIS DISEASE MUST BE CONTAGIOUS!!!!!! NOOOOOO!"

"What's up with her?" the guard muttered. "You'd think sweetmeat was an insult. Uh... depending on whether you're vegetarian or not, I suppose."

"King issss fool." Duke Baird laughed to himself. "Heeeee hasssss left me, the dashing, ravishingly handsome, action hero DUKE BAIRD SERIAL KILLER in charge of eeeeeentertaaaainment. That... issss perfect! I ssssshall be able to execute my massssster plan!"

He chuckled and reached for his choice of entertainment; a play called, 'DEATH OF THE QUEEN' by D. Baird.

"They ssshall not know I wrote it seeeing as I hassss cleverly dissssguissssed my name in the title." He gloated. "Thisss play ssssshall bring me what I have desssired mossssst, ever sssssince I wassss a bay in a craaaadle..... THE POWER TO RULE THE WORLD! Tortall, that isss." He corrected himself. 

"Nowww..... I must firssssst dissspossse of various people who might sssstand in my way before I cassssst the play."

He disappeared in a flurry of black. He briefly wondered whether he was making himself a bit too obvious by wearing a black cloak, a mask and carrying a knife dripping with blood. He decided he wasn't and disappeared.

Onua dragged Numair back to his and Daine's room. It had taken a long time to do this; Numair had developed an irrational love of the Dancing Dove's door and had clung on to it for over two hours, refusing to leave. She had eventually managed to get him home after bribing Cloud and Darkmoon to pull him away from the door with a box of Carthaakian marrow seeds, which the pony and horse were particularly fond of.

"Now Numair, some back to Daine!" she stressed.

"Wife!" babaled Numair.

"Yes, your wife!" agreed Onua, wondering if Daine would sell her Numair for 50 gold pieces and a sack of Scanran potatoes, which were very rare and only grew in wine.

However, a note was pinned to Daine's door:

Gon to Cathak with Kader, Wont be bak. Anyon who want Numare can have him. Love Daine.

Onua quickly decoded this badly spelt message.

"WHAT?" she screeched. "Daine's run off with Cathak to be Empress with that little boy whatever his name was! The cheek! After all we did for her!"

"Kaddar bad." Said Numair suddenly.

"Yes." Agreed Onua.

"Pink nighty with carnations!" Numair pointed at himself.

"Seeing as that girl you live with has run off, you can be mine now." Onua decided.

"NO." Said Numair definitely. "Won't be yours. You have big nose."

Onua screamed and grabbed him....

"They won't do, swan! No, no, no!" screamed Raoul, flinging the clothes Kuri Tailor had given him away. "They simply aren't PINK."

"This one is vaguely maroon." Kuri offered him a tunic but Raoul tore it up.

"I said PINK and I meant PINK!" he wailed.

"Pink has never been fashionable and never will be." She told him.

"Nonsense." Said Raoul stiffly. "It is my dindum's favourite colour. My little twinkletoes has the best taste in the world."

"If you say so." Kuri groaned.

"You know, kestrel features, your name is Kuri." Said Raoul suddenly.

"I know." Said Kuri, wondering if Raoul was mad.

"It rhymes with Buri!" cried Raoul in delight.

Kuri screamed and grabbed a vastly oversized sewing needle and hit Raoul over the head (a trick learned from her good friend Eleni). She threw him out of her room with a label stuck on him reading, "PLEASE REMOVE."

"Older women are dangerous." Raoul murmured before falling unconscious.

"Daddy!" squealed Roald, coming across his father in the hall, half stuck down a hole. "What are you doing?"

"Hop it, brat!" snapped Jon. "I'm trying to rescue Alanna!"

"Oh, Alanna!" Roald said knowingly. "Woman with red hair who calls Mummy a hag."

"Yes. You must call her Mummy Alanna from now on." Jon commanded. As an afterthought he added, "And you must call Mummy the hag."

"Can I call you the twit?" asked Roald.

"WHAT?" yelled Jon. "I'm not a twit!"

"That's what the hag calls you to Daddy George." Roald replied.

Jon crawled out of the trapdoor and clutched Roald. 

"Daddy George?" he demanded suspiciously.

Roald nodded his head. "Yes. The hag said we had to call Uncle George Daddy George." He beamed. "Now I have two mummies and two daddies! Aren't I lucky!"

"The sooner me and Alanna are married the better!" Jon growled.

"Hello." Said Alanna.

"WAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" yelled Jon in shock. "Alanna! You got out!"

"Yes." Said Alanna dryly. "What were you trying to do with the trapdoor idea anyway?"

Jon looked sulky. "Kill the mutt." He muttered.

"Moggie." Corrected Alanna. "It's your fault he's back anyway."

"Don't I know it." Scowled Jon.

"Where is Faithful anyway?" Alanna asked.

The cat was gone.

"Don't care." Said Jon.

"Mummy Alanna, are you going to save the world?" Roald asked.

"Yes, duck." Alanna cooed.

"Mummy Alanna..." said Roald seriously. "If you're my mummy now, can I still marry Alianne or is it wrong?"

"Um, maybe." Said Alanna. "Run and play whilst me and Daddy save the world."

"ok." Said Roald.

"I'm so proud of my son!" simpered Jon. "thinking about marriage already! He is advanced!"

Thom and Delia had run out of the prisons, taking care not to be seen.

"Where are we?" Thom hissed. 

"I've no idea, Thommy." Delia looked upset. "I think it might be some kind of a kitchen though...."

She prodded some pots and pans. In the corner of the room was a VERY large tin with some sort of brown mix in it. Delia and Thom examined it.

"Magic soil?" said Delia doubtfully.

"Maybe." Said Thom. "So, Delia, what action should be take now?"

Just then they heard footsteps approaching the room.

"Quick!" hissed Thom. "We must hide or we will be arrested!"

"Where can we hide?" wept Delia.

Thom jumped in to the brown mix and pulled Delia in after him. They concealed themselves under it.

"EUGH! What is this stuff!" screamed Delia.

"Never mind, we'll only be hiding in it for a minute! Now conceal your head!" hissed Thom.

They his, and people entered the room.

"Right!" called a bossy woman's voice. "Let's place the giant cake in the giant oven!" Thom and Delia felt their 'hiding place' begin to move!

"UH oh!" whispered Thom.

A minute later things suddenly got very hot..... Thom poked his head out.

"Oh dear." He said slowly.

Delia emerged. "What?"

Thom gulped. "I think we're about to be baked in a cake!"

Raoul woke up.

"Where can I get something PINK from to prove my blossoming apple?" he said to himself. At this point he was passing Numair's door and he heard banging from inside. He poked his head in to see Numair cowering under a table and Onua throwing just about everything in the room that she could lay her hands on at him.

"MY NOSE IS PERFECT!" she screamed as she threw one of Daine's shoes at Numair's head.

"Horsey woman, what is wrong?" Raoul exclaimed.

"HE SAID MY NOSE WAS BIG!" Onua shouted in fury, flinging a rubber duck with no beak at Numair.

"It is rather oversized." Raoul nodded, then quickly smiled fakely as Onua leapt at him. "Just a jest, my pony friend!"

"Good." Growled Onua. "I used to really like Numair, but he always had that impudent schoolgirl Daine."

Raoul clasped her hand. "Unrequited love. I know how it feels. My chick pea pretends she does not love me either."

"Yeah, well, now I finally get close to Numair and he says my nose is big!" Onua wailed. "I know the unicorn fever left him stark out, but, well! Plus he wears that REVOLTING nighty with rose, poppies, buttercups, whatever they are on it!"

But Raoul was staring at Numair's nighty in delight.

"Tiny foal!" he gasped. "the nighty is PINK!"

"So what?" demanded Onua.

Raoul clutched her hand. "You do not understand! I am searching for something pink to wear so I can impress my dove tail tonight! The nighty is perfect!"

"You can have it." Said Onua promptly. "Only if you give him your clothes though."

"But of course!" smiled Raoul.

"NO!" screamed Numair in terror as they leapt upon him....

Duke Baird sidled up to Alanna and Jon.

"Greetingssss!" he hissed.

"Oh, halloo again, Bardy!" grinned Jon.

"I have deccided on tonightssss entertainment!" he replied. "Issss a play called Death of the Queen!"

"What a brilliant title." Decided Alanna and Jon simulatanously. They galred at each other.

"Stop stealing my line!" Jon yelled.

"Stop stealing my line!" Alanna shouted at the same time.

"Pardon?" they both asked.

"Nothing!" they both said after that.

"Yessss, well, "Duke Baird was rather annoyed at being interrupted. "I am casssssting play now and I heard that Alaaaaaana isss very gooood actresssssss."

"Yeah well, she did pose as a boy for 8 years so I should say she very well is!" Jon declared.

"Ummmm, yes." Alana muttered.

"Alanna, you havessss the part of the murderer!" Duke Baird said.

"How do you know my plans, damn you?" Alanna yelled, going red. Then she looked a bit guilty and stuttered, "Um.... er.... yes, okay, I'll act any part you want."

"Gooooood." Duke Baird purred. "There issssss not many linessssss. What you hasssss to remember isssss to kill the Queen in the play with aaaaa fake knife which I givesssss to you later. It hassssss knife which is blunt and movesssss in to handle when it isssssss sssssstabbed at something."

"Who's acting the queen.?" Alanna wanted to know.

"Thayet." Was the answer.

"Groovy!" exclaimed Jon.

Duke Baird left cackling just as people in the background began to scream that the Provost had been found suffocated by a woolly scarf..... The mysterious killer's second victim.....

"I look fine." Decided Raoul, looking down at the nighty, pleased.

"Yes!" laughed Onua, who didn't say that the nighty was

too short very grubby ridiculous Daine's Had carnations (or whatever they were) embroidered on them 

And f. PINK.

"My flower puss shall fall for me without event the potion!" Raoul decided and twirled out.

People began to get ready for the dinner that night. They were saddened by the new news that Myles had been found drowned in the bathroom sink, making the third murder but that was a minor detail. Eyewitnesses said that the killer had been seen running away.... and they wore black, so all guards were on the look out for a person dressed in black who was suspicious. Thayet and George, who were now relatively sober and clad in some clothes borrowed from Coram and the lusty Rispah which made them look like coal miners had returned. Thayet was looking forward to playing the queen in Duke Baird's play, even if the queen was murdered- stabbed, Still, it was just a play.

But then Thayet didn't know that the wicked Duke Baird: Serial Killer had substituted the fake knife for a real one....

Here ends part 3 of Partners in Crime.

Will Thayet fall to the intensely evil Bardy's plan?

Will Raoul's pink nighty and love potion manage to charm his darling asparagus?

Will Roald sort his mummy and daddy problem out?

Where is Faithful?

Will Delia and Thom be turned in to cake mix?

Will Jon, Alanna, Thayet and George finally sort out all their problems?

All will be revealed in Part Four.

Stay tuned, and hope you enjoyed Instalment no 3!


End file.
